they sae that singapore is a harmonious country.. that people live in peace.. there is social discord.. no social discord.. but i feel that what those people see are only on the surface.. if u look... realli look.... like i have... u will notice someting... through my eyes.. i realise that we are divided into 2 de english society n the chinese society.

naturally.. the eng society are considered to be more "high-class". their version of gangsters are called punks. these punks are seen as cool and "in" . the chinese version of gangsters are known as the bengs and lians. (even the name sounds more low-class) most people, me included, see them to be an immatured n uneducated bunch of ppl who try to act like they own the world. wait a minute... am i actually criticising the ppl who i once associated with??? whats happening to me?????

my family background is english. i speak english at home. but ever since i entered primary school.. my main medium has switched to chinese. all my friends have a chinese background n they all speak chinese. my secondary school used to be a chinese school. even our sch song is in chinese. the bengs n the lians were the popular ones in the school! i was juz like one of them before... adopting "god-bro" n "god-sis"... all my ex were part of the gang.. or acted like part of the gang anyway...

all of a sudden.. it seems like i'm trying to hide my past. i seldom tok to dem anymore.. i seldom speak chinese. sometimes.. i'm at a loss for topics when i do speak to them.. there is suddenly this huge gap... tats drifting further n further.... even the ppl i hang out with are different.

all of a sudden, i feel different. i guess something in me died as 2002 faded away... sometimes.. i don even know what to say when i'm wif my son... de very same person who was in the same class as me for 4 years.. this being de start of the fifth...... is it the language barrier?? the seperation between the english n the chinese societies???

wat am i? or rather.. who am i? the eng, or the chin?? i guess i'm stuck in the middle.. but sometimes.. i juz speak chin without even realising it.... is that my true calling?? or was i born an eng?? i dont know... i really dont know.. is this really what i'm feeling now?? or is it pessimism arising from pms?? whatever it is.. there are only 2 sentences to describe it.. only one is right. pick one.

1. chao - ahlian trying to pose as miss universe
2. miss universe reappearing from behind the chao - ahlian mask

i guess it all boils down to one answer. i'm a confused girl facing the first crossroads of my life. the point is which road to take.....